The Demands
Bernie Sanders had announced that he will apologize and offer reparations for slavery. While it's nice of Bernie Sanders to apologize for other people's actions and then pay for it with other people's money, maybe he can start by apologizing and offering reparations for his entire campaign.
Demand 1: In the process of covering the Bernie Sanders campaign, I have had to listen to his passive aggressive whining about revolution for months. I have been so traumatized by this experience that even hearing a similar accent triggers me. And since I live in New York City, that means I'm being triggered all the time. I cower in fear that a passing Brooklynite will begin ranting aimlessly about some incomprehensible nonsense that exists only in his head while gesticulating wildly like a confused puppet. And I'm usually right.
Estimated Reparations Cost: $75.33 and a bag of potato chips. Plus an apology.
Demand 2: Threatening us with slavery.
Bernie Sanders' entire campaign pitch is raising taxes. This is a fancy name for slavery. While it's nice that Bernie Sanders thinks that racial slavery is bad, all forms of slavery are bad. It's time for Bernie Sanders to offer an apology and reparations for his role in slavery.
Estimated Reparations Cost: A refund of all taxes he voted in support of. Plus a sincere apology
Demand 3: Stop mentioning Hitler
We got it. You hate Israel. You hate Jews. Your only connection to Jewishness is that some members of your family were in the Holocaust. Therefore all your opponents are Hitler. That is not how it works. Please stop exploiting the Holocaust while supporting a real one against Jews in Israel. Stop claiming that Muslim Supremacists are the new Jews. Stop embracing anti-Semitic groups and then talking about hate while ignoring the anti-Semitism of your supporters.
Estimated Reparations Cost: Just become a Unitarian. Your wife will be happier and Jews will be even happier.
Demand 4: Do your job
You're one of the laziest and most useless Senators. Aside from renaming two post offices, about the only thing you do is keep calling for a revolution. You keep proposing policies that you have no idea how to implement. Just imagine what you could accomplish if you only... wait never mind. Keep doing what you're doing.
Estimated Reparations Cost: Never mind. Keep doing what you're doing.